"Dice-K" is the Stupidest Nickname I've Ever Heard

Opening Day is less than two weeks away, so it's time to start thinking about baseball seriously again. I hope to nip the most pressing issue in the bud right here and now so we don't have to deal with this again. The problem: the nickname that new Boston Red Sox ace Daisuke Matsuzaka has received.

Dubbed "Dice-K" by the Boston media, that abomination of a nickname has somehow been picked up on a widespread basis. Now we have to deal with ESPN anchors trying (and failing) not to look stupid as they refer to "Dice-K's" spring training, warmups, etc. On what planet (other than New England) could that name sound cool or edgy or menacing or whatever it's supposed to convey?

If Matsuzaka (or his famously inept translator) could speak better English, maybe he could weigh in and tell us how stupid he thinks the names TomKat, K-Fed, and Dice-K are. He also might wonder why fellow Japanese star Hideki Matsui, the Yankees slugger, gets to be "Godzilla" while he has been slapped with "Dice-K". He might wonder why he can't still be known as "The Monster", his nickname in Japan, which isn't great--but a lot better than Dice-K.

So, you might ask me, what should we call him by? Since apparently he needs a nickname--Daisuke Matsuzaka just isn't going to cut it--and needs one soon, here's a suggestion: "The Greek." For two reasons. 1) His cool new pitch is the gyroball. 2) He's definitely not Greek.

"The Greek" works a lot better than "Dice-K". You can see the sports headlines now: "The Greek tosses 8 shutout innings." "The Greek picks up 10th victory." And of course, what might become more familiar to the Red Sox nation: "The Greek lasts 5 2/3, gives up 4 runs."